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STM-WAP update via LJ2ME using nokia N70
/my location :- 166cs
/current dressing :- light grey check shirt, black flatfront pants. Both from goldlion. Silver grey giorgio louis tie
/current weather :- raining
/mo-blog title - choices to unearth secrets
/-begin-/
/Secrets are a funny things.
/God allows some to be kept hidden where he allows some to come forth.
/Reason being, i may not be able to take the pain...
/Or simply, i don't wanna deal with it now.
/I'm currently attending a break out thingy from church of our savior.
/Only went to one session and i already found out so much from my teacher.
/I will have to say sorry to my pastor and elders that there are somethings that i didn't tell them before.
/Reason is because, i really had problem relating to them cos it is really a nut case problem.
/But however, i'm still thankful for them to stand by me when i needed them.
/I'm not blaming them for not able to understand some things i'm going thru.
/I'm just a christian with some gay issues to be straighten out.
/Some issues identified are,
/i'm sensitive.
/I have a multiple personality.
/I have unresolved pain.
/I lack the touch in the language of love.
/I give up easily - lack of strength.
/Self condemnation.
/Fearful of getting hurt again.
/Only one session and i already learn so much about myself.
/Not that i don't know.
/I had refused to acknowledge these problems.
/Now with some homework given by my teacher, shawn, most likely, i'm doing the family tree first.
/I thing i need to renounce more that what i did before.
/Time to do them before i meet up with him chan on 18th dec.
/-eof-/
DDRSN2CS (PS2/NTSC-J)
the countdown begins now
date of arrival - 2008.2.21
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STM-WAP update via LJ2ME using nokia N70
/my location :- walking to jp
/current dressing :- 2 type thin blue stripe shirt, powder blue with thin gold stripe tie, black dress pants. All from goldlion.
/mo-blog title - 377 and me - epilogue (posted as - "free from the eyes of the law" on my regular blog)
/-begin-/
/I had text this following message out to those who are praying for me.
/Some had recieved an edited version of the sms.
/But basically, it mean the same thing.
/Thanks for all your prayers for me all these while since july.
/The lord had showed mercy for me over my trip on the law 377A.
/I was discharged without a criminal record but with a police record along with a warning against any future indecent acts against the law with another male.
/With this freeing back into the society, i means a lot to me.
/It also means i need to depend on the lord so that i will not have an excuse to be a repeat offender to this part of the law.
/The great 377A.
/Thankyou all my brothers once again. - mich
/Thankyou lord for your great mercy upon me.
/Thanks for all my brothers praying for me too.
/My life is in your hands, lord.
/Use me for your glory.
/Thankyou for saving me from public shame.
/Most of all.
/Thankyou for another chance in my life to be renew with you.
/-eof-/
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Continue from part 1
/In the morning, i was allowed to make a call.
/I called my sgt immediately to inform him that i will not make it on time.
/I was told to contact my oc and my pc.
/I couldn't reach my pc, so the police help to relay the message.
/In the late afternoon, i was taken for statement.
/I stressed that i was truly regretful for my misbehaving.
/I pled again that i can't miss my reservist.
/I stress to them that i will do whatever was required but just let me go.
/And i was allowed to make another final call after my pleding.
/For someone to bail me.
/I called my brother.
/At 4pm, i was out of jail for the time being.
/I raced home to gather my stuff for my reservist.
/I called my unit again to inform that i will be booking in soon.
/Today, i raced myself against time once again, just to report to the police station again.
/I was informed that my bail was extended to another 2 weeks.
/I was due to return for another review.
/There was no words to say i'm sorry for my doings.
/For i really do not recollect how i got there.
/There was no excuse for my doings.
/I had asked for forgiveness and a real change of my heart to be broken for god's use.
/Lord. I really can't defend myself.
/I will just ask for you to safekeep me.
/For i'm really at a lost of words for my wrong doings.
/-eof-/
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STM-WAP update via LJ2ME using nokia N70
/my location :- boonlay mrt
/current dressing :- blue stripe shirt, blue with thin gold stripes and navy blue dress pants. All from goldlion.
/mo-blog title - Sec 377 cap 224
/-begin-/
/My nightmare happened on 25 july 2007.
/It was the night before my reservist.
/I really do not know what happened and how i wondered into the place of sin again.
/Luck was truly running out on me.
/I was caught red-handed by the police for indecent act.
/Pants down.
/There was nothing i could do to defend myself.
/Not especially when both the police officers saw the act between me and the other party.
/I had tried to run away.
/But was blocked by the person infront of me.
/There was no way to out run the fellow infront of me.
/I gave up running and stop.
/I was caught.
/I was told to stand with my hands on the wall with my hands and legs apart.
/I was searched.
/My info was given.
/I had my asthma attack.
/A very bad one.
/I couldn't respond to it.
/All i know is that i did something dead wrong.
/Something that will really leave a hard long deep scar in my life.
/I was put to jail.
/I had almost choked by my own phlegm cos of the asthma attack and the over dose of my ventolin.
/I pled for a chance to go off cos i need to report to reservist.
/But they say that they are bigger that the army and refused my request to make any phone call.
/I was thrown into the waiting cell.
/All my property stripped off.
/Later in the night, i was strapped on the criminal strap and taken to the hospital to check on my asthma condition.
/The doctor clear me for a real asthma attack and given me more drugs to prevent further attacks.
/
/Continue next post... Part 2
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STM-WAP update via LJ2ME using nokia N70
/my location :- 116cs
/current dressing :- thin blue stripe goldlion shirt, black goldlion dress pants and rainbow stripes heritage tie
/mo-blog title - bad blood
/-begin-/
/I had a long awaited chat with pastor on sunday (190506).
/I just feel so bad after that.
/Useless.
/Daunting.
/Remorse.
/Condemned.
/Lost.
/Even thou some parts of it was supposed to be uplifting for me.
/But over all, i felt that i had became a curse to the church.
/I'm very worried that i had caused a downfall on the church.
/During the service earlier, a felt that the pastor was addressing the violent nature of mine.
/Cos i guess he ever saw me flipping thru my japanese comics.
/Haiz...
/No doubt.
/They are quite violent in nature at times.
/Back to the talk with my pastor, i just felt like i'm the bad blood or a bad seed planted into the church.
/Causing the church not moving forward.
/He was addressing to my issue on my gay nature.
/I can feel that he was dishearted when he said that he is now handeling another similar issue.
/Now is a married male from my church.
/I dunno who it is cos pastor didn't mention it.
/He just say that the wife is wanting to get a divorce.
/I just felt so bad that a personal curse now plagues the church.
/What can i do to reverse my wrong doings before?
/I really dunno what to do god.
/I just felt so useless, worthless and condemned now.
/Save me from my sorrows god.
/I can't take it.
/It is clouding my mind with ideas that i don wish to see it happen again.
/My mind wish that since the plague had began all over again, it ask me to further pursue my sinful lust and give in to the pleasure of sexual sins.
/I'm worried lord.
/I don want all this to happen.
/I can't get it out of my head.
/I need help.
/I don want to be consumed by the fire of hayes.
/-eof-/
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STM-WAP update via LJ2ME using nokia N70
/my location :- 113cs
/current dressing :- thin black stripe daniel hechter shirt, beige stripe daniel hechter tie and black pierre cardin dress pants
/mo-blog title - this is not my concern right?
/-begin-/
/Sometimes, i really dunno how to respond in rejection to my dad in regarding to money issue.
/What on earth is going on to my relatives?
/Sometimes, i really wish i can disregard them in my family ties.
/I had told daniel before about this.
/My uncles had wanted money from us again.
/Time and time again.
/I'm tired of such bullshit.
/I mean, it is not a piece of goldmine here working in sg ok?
/So on what grounds do u think we are well to do here?
/So, time and time again, whenever they called, we have to raise money for them.
/I was involve too in getting cash for them.
/I mean i don earn much but i use to loan from daniel sometimes to pass to them.
/I had told them that was the last time in november.
/So now, what is this crap?
/I hate it.
/I'm already down to nothing to survive ok!?
/So i got no choice but to do an over draft to pass to them.
/I can only pass very little to them.
/I can't afford it.
/This money, i can never see it coming back.
/Not to mention those people i loan from.
/However, most of them are gracious to me and had not ask me to pc them back.
/I knew, some had disregard me as a friends.
/Some still i phone call away.
/But den again, i shouldn't use that as an excuse not to return them.
/Day by day, i have to live a life of loaning money.
/I don't wish this type of life.
/I hate this type of life.
/I hate it.
/But i can do nothing about it but to do so for my parent's sake.
/-eof-/
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STM-WAP update via LJ2ME using nokia N70
/my location :- 510
/current dressing :- Light yellow alain delon shirt, black pierre cardin dress pants with yellow and blue stripe jacques feraud tie
/mo-blog title - still feeling miserable after 2 post...
/-begin-/
/Haiz... Why am i still felt so miserable after posting 2 blogs.
/Need to draw strength from the lord to stay out of this misery.
/Maybe have to stop listening to 王杰 liao.
/Have to move on with life.
/Have to stop being stuck at this feeling.
/-eof-/
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In respond to QT190303. I felt very helpless when tano spoke during encounter service on friday. To tell you the truth. Other den trying to confess my sins both part and future, i pray that the lord will cleanse me from within. I want to be broken for the lord to be used by him instead of the devil. I'm striving to stay clean and blameless for the lord. I want to know why god didn't respond to my prayer. Ofcause i knew the answer, my heart had refuse to be broken for the lord. My heart still longed to sin with the devil. Each attempt to shun him, he comes back hitting me harder. I had tried to shun myself to visit porn sites cos my access point to to the sexual smut belongs to my younger brother. I do not wish to let him know of my dysfunctional sexual orientation. My other means of free internet access is via free internet that i get from my psp. Reason i couldn't get to those links is that the person who i hopped on will know where i went. The sites would load too slowly and incomplete cos psp had only 1mb of cache. Lastly, i don have the links. So it is impossible for me to do porn on my psp. I'm not getting another pc or laptop cos i know i will not be able to stop myself from visiting those sites. So a new computer is out of the question.
Back to tano's part, i felt so condemned that i couldn't break free from listening to the lies and constructing the thoughts in my mind. The 2nd part was by sue, which you are not here. She wanted us to acknowledge that god is all powerful and he is a warrior for us. I just prayed that i will march on in the army of god. To be with him. The last part was by wendell. He had made me cried. I realised that i wasn't depending on god's strength to counter my thoughts. He led us to listen to the song 'who am i'. A song that i had recommended for the worship team to listen. If u never heard of the song, please remind me to pass to you. I haf it in my fone. It just reminded me who am i without god. I felt so useless and ashamed cos i had not done anything to glorify god. Instead i shamed god with my past deeds and any present attempts to sin again. Thats all i could comment on this blog. Open ends for comments.
For the post on 19feb, i just felt that i had not truely forgive vid. Even thou sometimes we might talk. Deep inside, i had not forgive him. How could i ever get god's forgiveness when i cannot even forgive my brother? For that, i'm felt very burden by that fact that i might had sin cop i have grudges against vid. I truefully yearn for a breakthough. I'm just moving in circles. I'm trying to not step into the unknown. For i dunno what will happen to me. I had not make a step forward for the lord. I'm still hesitating. For my mind is unwilling to acknowledge god. My mind is willing, but my flesh is weak. I really need god to interrupt all these ungodly thoughts.
In respond to '39kamisama', i guess i will still remain my current number. Not that i'm not willing to cut ties with those i had sin before. I had promised to pastor and the leaders before that i will not go back to them. I had kept my words. Some of their numbers, i still have them. Some long deleted. I had kept them not to contact them, but to make sure that when they call or sms, i will not respond to them. I had successfully turn them off using this method. I thank god for each success. Unless that they changed their number, and i don have their number, i will ask who they are. If he is the one i want to avoid, i will stop sms immediatly. Yes they will continue to spam. But after sometimes. It stop, cos it will be guite useless to waste their money on sms to someone who refuse to respond. Once again i thanks god for that. I had found them useful. Kor, i just need you to know i'm making all attempts to mend my path with the lord. Please stay by me. I want to be set free. Jesus, please wait for me.
the end.
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Following blog is actuall an email sent out to my kor... Just incase he didn't get to read it... Its here. Not much paragraphing here as it was ment to be an email.
A hopeful attempt to reply truefully with no hidden agendes.
Firstly, i had not tried to hide myself on why i blog or how i blog. It was way easier for me this manner den to speak of those unspeakable sins damned by god. You may say, den y in the 1st place i do it?
Eh... I don really haf any answer for that. But perhaps the lawlessness of the heart. The unwillingness of the mind and no total heart of repent. Perhaps, not even a fear for the wrath of god. Deep inside my darken and heart, i still crave for those deadly sins. I still longs for those crimes that i have done. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! I'M IN TOTAL AGONY AND PAIN AND I DUNNO HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE! It is getting very hard for me to speak of it. I felt so ashamed of my struggles and i have got no guts to call you or pastor. For i fear of rejection, expulsion from church and cell. Being axed off all ties my dear brother and sisters in christ. I cannot seems to breakout. I dunno why.
But i had found my answer... Even i had confessed that jesus is lord of my life, i didn't believed it. I said that i want him to rule my life, my my soul says no. I want to give up my vices, it is still there at my back door lurking back and forth, calling me to go back to look for pleasure of my soul. I want to fight it. I really want to. But why is my heart till this moment is still not willing to? I really dunno how to face you to answer the questions. I had hoped that one day you will stop reading them. Forgetting that i had even requesting you to read my blogs. And i often still question if there's anybody out there who still cares of what i was going thru. I know i sounded very irresponsible. Pushing all the blame to the devil. That simple word of "satan made me do it" made me sink deeper into condemnation. The spirit of self condemnation grew stronger and stronger each day. Upon doing bsf this year had made my felt more helpless actually. Even thou i may had appear stronger to resist the devil, i had become more vulnerable for his attack. Everyday, i hear his voice. I sees his army he sent forth to tempt me. I feel his presence around me. I praise god for i have not gone back to sin my life off. But daily, i feel my life rotting away. I had grew thinner because i think too much. My mind suffers cos i wasted too much energy fighting and resisting the devil.
Every night i'm hoping that i will not masturbate myself to sleep. I often felt that i can sleep better if i can waste off my last bit of energy and fall into sleep. But it didn't happen. I just begin to sink further into sinful lust over men and my past relationships and encounters if i continue to 'milk the cow' before sleeping. I tried to pray before bed to hope that i can sleep well. As mentioned on my blog, it didn't happen.
Kor, i really dunno what to do. I'm so lost and so blinded by the lies of the evil one. I really need to break out. If wendell gets to know this, i know he will rebuke me. Pastor too, will rebuke me. I don think i can take it. As i mentioned that doing this book of romans really weights me down. I find myself giving wrong answers during discussing sometimes, i was very ashamed when the right answer was given. I had not know the god i love.
Kor, it really breaks my heart that i'm still entertaining the lies of the devil. I'm so ashamed why i can't shut my ears to listen to the devil's deceptions. I want to learn to listen to god. I DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF THE ARMY OF SATAN. I WANT TO BE A PART OF THE REDEEMED PEOPLE OF GOD!
.....
to be continued
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STM-WAP update via Tapjam using nokia N70
/current date :- sat 03 march 2k7
/current time :- 1700 (+8 GMT)
/current song :- gnarls barkley - crazy
/my mood :- cold
/my location :- 166cs
/current dressing :- two shades of vaio purple color stripe g2000 shirt, stripe purple topman tie and black dress pants from goldlion
/mo-blog title - QT190303 EL-ROI (2nd qt material)
/-begin-/
/After reading the 2nd material, reminded me of the encounter worship last night in church.
/Jesus is el-roi.
/The god who sees.
/Countless times, he had watched over me and my ways.
/He had been there all the while.
/It was i, who had left him in search of my own pleasures in life.
/Even when times when i had sin.
/He is still there awaiting for me to respond to him.
/It was his grace for me that i am still alive.
/Awaiting for me to repent.
/How can a man keep is ways straight in the light?
/Lord, it is so hard to prevent my mind from constructing those sinful thoughts in my mind.
/I don't want to be an outcast.
/Help me to restore my rightful use for you.
/-eof-/
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